MOTHERS Book Bag

A Message from Leslie Morgan Steiner

Dear Readers,

I wrote Mommy Wars to get moms talking about the real issues of working and at-home motherhood -- to set straight the myths and misconceptions created by advertising, politicians, and statistics about the so-called war between mothers who work and those who stay home with children.

All moms know that motherhood is the hardest “job” we’ve ever tackled. The most difficult battle rages inside each mother’s head, as we struggle to feel at peace with our own unique and wonderful approach to parenthood. In a world filled with messages about everything moms supposedly do wrong, we need to focus instead on how much we are all doing right as we seek to balance working and raising children.

I could have filled this book by flagging down the first 26 minivans driving by my house, because every mom has an inspiring story about how and why she combines (or chooses not to combine) paid work and motherhood. I hope the stories in Mommy Wars make you laugh, cry, and throw the book across the room at least once. We’ve got 26 fiery women here, ranging in age from 25 to 72, and spread across the country from New Hampshire to California. This diversity is critical -- only through understanding different moms’ lives can we learn to respect all good, if disparate, brands of motherhood.

I myself have three young children and a mostly-wonderful husband. Over the past decade I’ve worked full-time, part-time, and not at all. I’ve struggled to find my own work-family balance --- and I still struggle. What has helped me along the way is the advice, comfort and support of other moms, including the women in Mommy Wars.

There are no easy answers. However, thanks to you, I am not alone in my struggle to balance work and family. There are millions of women in America keeping me company as I fight my internal mommy war, and very good company you are.

Leslie Morgan Steiner

A Note and Some Discussion Points from Ann

In If You've Raised Kids, You Can Manage Anything, I wanted to demolish the condescending stereotypes that still surround the work of raising children. We still have this idea that "family" and "work" are two totally separate spheres, and that attention to one somehow detracts from performance in the other. I sometimes think that people who have spent years with their kids are painted with a scarlet letter that brands them as not "serious" or "tough" or "dedicated" enough to succeed in the workplace. But there is absolutely no evidence of this. On the contrary, there is plenty of evidence that managing complex family relationships successfully makes one better equipped to handle all of life’s challenges.

So my idea was to change the conversation from work/family conflict to work/family synergy. Hopefully, the book can give mothers and fathers greater confidence in their skills, and open employers’ eyes to the hidden talents that parents can bring to the table.

Here are a few discussion points and questions to think about as you read the book:

1. Why is it assumed that "working at home" is easier than going to the office?
2. In what ways does our idea of the "good parent" match our concept of the "good leader"? How do these images differ? Are there more similarities than differences?
3. What skills do you feel that you in particular have learned as a parent?
4. Do you think you could convince a superior or employer that those skills are relevant? Would this be easier in certain fields?
5. Is the denigration of parenting skills a particular problem for women, or does this bias also affect stay-at-home fathers?

Thanks for participating in MOTHERS Book Bag,

Ann Crittenden

A note from Miriam

A message from author Miriam Peskowitz to MOTHERS Book Bag readers:

When I wrote The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars, I imagined mothers using it in two ways. In one vision, it’s the book a mom keeps on her bedside table. It’s the book she reads a few pages from  whenever the cultural life of being a mother gets too crazy, and it gives her comfort that she’s not insane, and that she’s not alone. In the second vision, mothers read the book and gather together, at someone’s house, at a local coffeshop or bar, and they talk about the book’s ideas. They share their own experiences with motherhood and with work. In a group, the moms feel camaraderie and comfort and support from other women, and from an author they don’t even know. Together, they feel strong enough to change the world.

I wrote The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars to demystify the things that are really strange about mothering, the things that frustrate us the most when it comes to working as a mother, whether you’re with your kids full time, or whether you’re combining motherhood with any kind of paid work. In some of the most heartfelt responses I’ve gotten to the book, mothers have told me things like “I identified with every mom in your book, no matter what they were doing,” “Your book made me feel sane, it made me feel like I wasn’t alone in all this,” and “Your book gave me hope that things might change.”

I hope you enjoy reading the book, and as an author, I thank you for reading it. I’m looking forward to the conversations it will spark at your playground, at your workplace, and among the friends you share it with, as much as I can’t wait to be part of the conversations we will have here at MOTHERS Book Bag.

Join us over at the MOTHERS Book Forum to discuss the book and send a message to the author.