My sister, who resides in Switzerland, sent this to me since we're both Jersey girls who grew up in Rumson. I decided that the Rumson Barbie is a combination Freehold Township and Holmdel Barbie with a dash of Middletown thrown in.
Warning: while most of this is funny, I find the Freehold Borough Barbie description downright racist and some of the other descriptions on the homophobic side. I left them up to make people ponder WHY Monmouth County folks feel that way towards Hispanics and lesbians. (Discuss amongst yourselves...)
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Monmouth County dolls For the Central, NJ Market:
- Freehold Township Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom's in the Freehold Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
- Hazlet Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included,headset sold separately.
- Asbury Park Barbie: This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
- Holmdel Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
- Howell Barbie (AKA Freewood Acres Barbie): This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
- Deal Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.
- Englishtown Barbie: This gum chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Howell Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home, trailer, and various accessories you can store in her front or side yard.
- Long Beach Island Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want nor need a Ken doll. If you purchase two Bay Head Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
- Freehold Borough Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired Pennsylvania plates and three baby Barbie's in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand from a lawn cutting accident. Green cards are not available for Freehold Borough Barbie or Ken.
- Middletown Barbie: This is the Barbie that wishes she could live on Long Beach Island but she is not gay. She owns a Volvo, loves to try and be a good mom, always has a soccer ball in the car for her kids. This doll comes with her son's monster Toyota pick up truck and a jet ski.
- Union Beach Barbie: Has no fear of men because she lives in a town where the men are men and sheep are afraid. Union Beach Barbie drives an old pick up truck and comes with a clam rake and 12 inch boat, a clamming boat that is.
- Millstone Barbie: She moved here from some place in Philly, New York, or North, NJ. She is one tough lady don't get in her way when on the road. She owns it - don't you know that? Her best friend was born and raised in this town and has the same last name both before and after marriage (think about that one). She drives a Cadillac or a big SUV and comes with a house and mirror to do her hair. No Ken here. Instead she comes with a Vito or Big Sal doll.
- Keansburg Barbie: Enough said. She has nothing - no car, man or teeth. Comes with ripped jeans and tank top. Undergarments optional.
- Manasquan Barbie: Just a plain old slut. You can only buy her in the summer. She is the doll that wears make up on the beach. Comes with beach wear and a Mustang convertible. Does not include a Ken dollsince she has a new Ken every night.